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Anyone want to do a critique-swap with me? I have a prose piece of about 1300 words that I'd love some feedback on but would rather not post b/c I want to try and publish it. Happy to critique either prose or poetry in exchange, but I'm better with prose. x
We are pitch
on an eggshell mess of sky
wet with firework yolks

We eat grapes
bursting laughter

"BBC news it's midnight"
says the chocolate-voiced radio
then an aching
gap, silence unmaking
us: the first chime
cracks our bones

We squint
in the sun a glowworm
in her mist hairnet
standing on crushed mud

Standing last night
on a brick wall unsteady
unknowing of the newness
of the year
Uncertain

Fragments of New Year's Eve party (and walk the following morning). 

I haven't written for so long. It's like opening the door to a room you left locked and everything is dusty and the light is tentative and you're not sure if you're allowed back in. 

I sort of wanted to make this fixed-form / rhyming but then I decided to leave that to cool people like Carmalain7 and Vigilo who actually know how to poem.

The bit about the grapes is to do with a Spanish tradition that me and my family have been doing since forever. Everyone has 12 grapes, you put on the radio or something else that will play the midnight chimes, and you then eat 1 grape on each chime of the clock. 

Feedback questions: (and also in general, please critique any aspect of my poetic technique because I have, er, zero poetic technique)

:bulletblue: New Year is a bit of a clichéd subject – was this interesting and unique enough without being too reliant on having been there?

:bulletblue: I tried not to have any – what's the word, similes? – e.g. "the sun is a glowworm" or "the sky is like eggshells". Is this effective?

:bulletblue: Does the connection between the last two stanzas with the word "standing" work? Or should I scrap the bit about "standing on crushed mud"? It feels a bit weak to me. :/

:bulletblue: Is the imagery in general effective? Does it make sense?

:bulletblue: What kind of feeling/atmosphere do you get from the poem?

:bulletblue: In the first line, I wanted to use both meanings of "pitch" – black/dark and teetering, pitching forward. Does this work at all? Does it make sense to say "we are pitch" or is it awkward?

:bulletblue: Is it incomplete?

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I don't know if it makes sense for me to do this (especially when 2015 is nearly over) given that I'm hardly around here any more, but I was inspired to fill it in at this ungodly hour of the morning and thought what the heck, maybe someone can get something out of what I've written. :)

Link to orig. questionnaire: The DeviantArt Writers Questionnaire 2015Inspired by CRLiterature's latest journal What do you want to see from CRLit I decided out of sheer madness to draw up a questionnaire focusing on: what makes you a writer? Why do you write and where did you first have your a-ha! moment when a story or poem exploded into existence? Does it matter if you are a writer? Nope, this questionnaire is even for those who don't write, who loathe poetry, where the sight of a book causes the blood to drain from you. Here's your opportunity to share with others why. 
Love DeviantArt QUESTION-TIME!DeviantArt Love 
1. How long have you been a member of DeviantArt, and for how long have you been writing? If you don't write what realm of art do you work in?
2. Why did you become a writer? Is your reason to write the same now as it was then?&


Hope you're all well!

1. How long have you been a member of DeviantArt, and for how long have you been writing? If you don't write what realm of art do you work in?
Since 2009, but only active since 2010. So five years ish, I guess. Been writing since... since I was about 12, I think?


2. Why did you become a writer? Is your reason to write the same now as it was then? 
I don't remember "becoming" a writer – it just seemed like a natural extension of reading and playing fantasy games. I wanted some way to record the stories that were in my head, so I wrote. Later I started roleplaying with a friend and became more interested in developing characters and storylines.


3. Do you compose haiku? Or are you a dabbler in six word stories? Share what type of literature is your go to when you put pen to paper. And for those who don't write (as well as those who do) - Do you read any literature here on DeviantArt? If no. Why?
OK I mostly write short stories, but occasionally dabble in poetry (free form – I'm nowhere near good enough to do fixed! I leave that up to cool people like Vigilo).
I do read lit on dA, but not as much as I used to. I find myself tending to read poetry more often, maybe because it's easier to find good quality poetry and maybe because it suits the online medium better due to its brevity.

4. What in your opinion makes a good writer?
Lots of things. Empathy is pretty high on the list. Many people can create beautiful images, but the ability to get right to the heart of a matter or character, to actually touch someone's soul, is a pretty rare gift I think.

5. Writers, share a thumbnail of a literature piece you wrote, you're proud of, and non-writers, share a piece of literature you really enjoyed. Briefly explain why.
It's been ages since I wrote anything, but I'm quite pleased with the last piece I submitted. I think it's self-contained as a story and in a good place with characterisation and imagery. Georgie's CrumbsThe scars lie in zigzags across my throat. I don't remember the knife that made them, and they're not the point of this story; Annie is, and I'm mentioning them because she never asked about them. I loved her for that. Instead, when she found that I always played extras at the drama club because there were days when I couldn't speak in anything but a whisper, she taught me how to mime. I spent hours practicing in their dusty living room, swaying to the clatter of Georgie's nails on the piano keys. Georgie plays piano like Annie rides horses.
I still find the memory of her down by the old dirt road, where he put Georgie's piano. I turn my head and catch the scent of the wind, the way the air felt when she smiled, the way the dirt tasted when I stumbled off the horse and she caught my hand and brought me up beside her, drew me up to the sky.
I sometimes wonder what she'd have done if I'd been on the ground that day. I drew up Rook before the corner because I wasn't bold like Annie, didn'



6. Writers, share a thumbnail of a literature piece you wrote which you don't like, and non-writers, share a piece of literature you found to be terrible. Briefly explain why.
Is it really self-important not to share anything? I'm displeased with a lot of things I wrote, but mostly because I've grown as a writer since then. I was happy with most things I wrote at the time. I think maybe the piece I'm most unhappy with is this, because it was trying to complete a collaborative story, which was really difficult to do, and I think I managed to be even more vague and plotless than usual. Odyssey into 2012 - Chapter 8: The Tokyo LoopThe eighth gate is white mist. Kaylin slams open the door, Zephyr lurching inside her, and Darus, lizard-quick, slips inside.
"Get out," she hisses. She isn't afraid any more.
He sneers. "Don't be stupid, kitling. You left Tokyo through this gate, like always. Opening it restarts the process. It's an endless loop. Destroy the gate and finish it. I'm tired of fighting –"
Murderer! Liar! Traitor!
Kaylin rips Zephyr through his mind. He slumps, white and shaking, and she draws out the truth.
"You sealed the gates to weaken me, so I'd be easier to kill. But you had another plan in case I managed to open them. Destroying the final gate would kill me – Zephyr's not meant for that." She trembles. "Earth – this Earth, in the time loop – wouldn't stand the shock. But it would carry you out. You and the real Earth might survive, if the shock doesn't escape too."
"I would survive."

"You'd risk everything for that! You selfish –"
Darus spreads hi


7. As a writer, what are your literary goals? Non-writers, do you have any plans to write any literature?
Right now? Just to write more, and maybe get a few pieces published. I'd love to publish a novel one day, but that's a long way off right now.


8. Are you a member of any of DeviantArt's literature groups? Which are the ones you use most? Are they effective in helping your writing? Do they offer features, or contests, or prompts? Would you recommend any of these groups?
I hardly go on dA any more, but I can recommend theWrittenRevolution above and beyond any lit group ever. (I used to admin for them, so I'm biased). Live-Love-Write and DailyLitRecognition are also good.

9. Using six words, what advice would you give to new writers?
Listen. Learn. Share. Experiment. Observe. Love.

10. Who or what influences you as a writer? And for non-writers, does literature influence you as an artist?
Photos and aesthetics. Nature. The sea. Music. Reading.

11. Have any published poets, authors, or playwrights, living or dead, inspired you as a writer or as an artist?
God, so many people. A brief list of ones who've influenced me: Philip Pullman, B.R. Collins, J.K. Rowling, Winston Graham, Arthur Conan Doyle, Hayao Miyazaki, Cornelia Funke, Jodi Picoult, Mary Stewart, Cliff McNish. Plus loads of fanfiction writers and poets and writers here on dA.

12. List five things about literature you love.
It's intensely personal – no two interpretations are the same / it's transformative and transgressive / it shapes your world and self-view / it can make you laugh, love and cry / it has such beauty in shapes of sound and picture while being totally silent and imageless.

13. List five things about literature you hate.
It's static, you're always only experiencing it through words on a page / it's confined to one language / it's difficult to share with others / it can be elitist / it's held up as the pinnacle of intelligence.

14. Final question. Are you happy with the state of the literature community? If not, why?
The literature community on dA? I've not been around in it for so long, and there are always infights and changes, but I'm happy that it's still going, and that it seems to be welcoming newcomers and growing healthily.
Just, a small word to the old and snarky stalwarts: you're great, and the community needs you, but it won't kill you to be a bit kinder and a bit less snarky now and then. ;)
  • Mood: Hungry
  • Drinking: whiskey
113 deviations

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Solarune's Profile Picture
Solarune
Sol
Artist | Literature
United Kingdom
profile picture by my lovely wonderful talented sister Atlantihero-Kyoxei :heart:

Hola. I am Sol. :) I play folk music and write things, ramble (geographically, when I can, and conversationally, more than I should) and I enjoy delicious vegetarian food and long interesting conversations. I also tie knots and teach people to tie knots.

I speak a decent amount of Spanish – I'm not fully fluent, but I like to practice, so feel free to write to me en español :) (I'm quarter-Spanish and I lived there for a few years).




I'm not on dA as much as I used to be (and most of my writing is showing its age a bit!) but I occasionally poke my nose in. I have a tumblr where I reblog stuff I like and stuff about what's often broadly termed social justice (more specifically intersectional feminism, anti-racism, LGBTQIA+ rights, making the world more accessible for disabled and non-neurotypical people, anti-classism, anti-capitalism, anti-ageism for both children and the elderly, environmentalism – the list goes on).

I am in no way an expert on any of this stuff, and I always try to listen and to learn, to communicate and participate, to be compassionate and empathic. If I do anything that upsets you or that you consider oppressive, please tell me – I'd much rather be told than not. Discussion and communication is the way forward. :thumbsup:




I'm also on Twitter, and I'm a reviewer for Bright Young Folk (you can read my reviews here if you're interested.)

I love: writing, playing music, pianos, folk dancing, books, the colour blue, the sun, delicious vegetarian food, plaid shirts and colourful clothes, happiness, high places in the wind, the early evening, the sea, the smell of the earth in the sun, fresh bread, change, the forest, the city I live in, meeting new people and having random conversations, festivals, my friends, family and my partner. I spend perhaps too much time daydreaming in proportion to living. I have always wanted to fly and I have a strange obsession with potatoes. Potatoes rule. :iconanimefaceplz:




My inbox is generally in a state of overflow and I go hacking through it with a virtual machete when I can (it's not quite as violent as it sounds, promise), but I have to take it slow for the sake of RL and my sanity. :lol: So please don't feel I'm ignoring you if I take six months two years a long while to reply to comments or anything else – I'm not, but I just can't be around dA all the time any more. I love long rambly comments, it just might take me a while to ramble in return. :hug: I'm really sorry if you wrote to me ages ago and I never replied. Feel free to write again. :heart:

:groups: I was an admin over at theWrittenRevolution from 2010 to 2013. They are a wonderful group and were (and still are!) basically my dA family. :) I highly recommend them if you're looking for critique on your writing. (:eyes: Also they're going to take over the world :la:)




Life is not about the destination, but the journey.

The world needs more smiles. So have one. :)

"It is not fair to treat people as if they are finished beings. Everyone is always becoming and unbecoming." – Kathleen Winter
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:iconnamenotrequired:
namenotrequired Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2015  Student Interface Designer
You're alive! :poke:
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:iconsammur-amat:
Sammur-amat Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2015   General Artist
Tag a quality deviant: You’re it! Quality doesn’t mean that you have a lot of followers, or a lot of messages. It means that you’re nice to other people, and you deserve to be happy. If you get this message, someone is telling you that they love you as you are, and they don’t care how much followers you have. Send this to 10 deviants who deserve it. If you break the chain, nothing will happen. But it’s just good to let someone know that you love them! Heart
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:iconvigilo:
Vigilo Featured By Owner Dec 16, 2014  Student Writer
SOON. :eyes:
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:iconthegreatspyexperim:
TheGreatSpyExperim Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2014  Student Writer
Hello Solarune, hope everything is well. Still writing? :) 
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:iconcality:
cality Featured By Owner Dec 25, 2013  Hobbyist Writer
Happy Holidays, Sol! I hope all is well with you. :heart:
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